You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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