i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
