You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize