Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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