My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize