Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize