You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
