Jerry, you need to find god
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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