My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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