Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Houston, we have a squirter
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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