Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
