Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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