wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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