Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
