Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My bed smells like the plague
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
