I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
