I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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