My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
