he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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