Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
