I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
