Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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