she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
ttyl tear gas
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
