Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
