I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
