It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize