If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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