I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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