just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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