If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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