remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
