This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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