Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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