I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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