The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
