Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize