I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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