I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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