Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize