my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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