I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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