Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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