While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
