Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
