Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
