It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
