I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
