My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Drake has all the answers
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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