It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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