she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
