I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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