I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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