Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
