Your face is a jimmy john
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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