happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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