no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
