This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
