You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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