Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
