I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
