i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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