Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
fuck your aforementioned shoe
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
