I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
