omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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