I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
