it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
