dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
