so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
